dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
