SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
