1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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