I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
