when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Jerry, you need to find god
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
