He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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