I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
