if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
His nipple licking is glorious
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