then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
