Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Randomize
