the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
