Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
You dont lie about slip and slides
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
