it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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