I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
