theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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