I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
