I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I currently don't understand fingers.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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