Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Randomize
