So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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