As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
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