apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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