Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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