Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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