I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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