she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
