my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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