I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
