just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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