Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
