can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
