Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
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