It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
