I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
