I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
