There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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