i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
