He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
He told me they were just razor bumps!
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
