she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
