What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
