everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
