fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
