fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
