either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
