see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
