Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Just high enough for therapy.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Randomize
