1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
