you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
