She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
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