Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Randomize
