So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
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