Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
