Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
