Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
