never play flip cup with pint glasses
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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