He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
