Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
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