if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Randomize
