Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize