why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
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