I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Randomize
