I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
whose parrot is this?
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