My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
