i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Redeem this text for a blowjob
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
