im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
