i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
