just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
