Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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