This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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