Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
