why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
