I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
