i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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